Dad

You saw your grandchildren, and you loved them. If nothing else, you did this, and for this I am grateful.

But you saw so much more. You saw me earn two patents. You skied with your kids. You shared difficult parts of your life with us. You gave more generously than your means even allowed.

My god, you were a pain in the ass, and I know I was a pain in yours. You were prideful, sometimes toxic, and sometimes just so completely off the rails I couldn't even tell what you were doing. But not once did you ever stop loving your kids or grandchildren. That's more than many can claim, and eternally inestimable.

You, though sometimes chaotically, loved your country, and loved the beauty of humans and the world. You valued both scientific knowledge and art, probably equally, which is pretty incredible. Many love one much more than the other, and many value neither. But you were fascinated by advances in technology and scientific discoveries, and in the same breath, would celebrate art from artists both famous and unknown. What a virtue it was to be so enthralled with the marvels of the world.

When I think of you, I'm virtually compelled to enumerate the experiences, arts, hobbies, sciences, animals, and media that you enjoyed, but it's nearly impossible to encapsulate all of them, and that was your best quality - you enjoyed what life had to offer, and I can never blame you for that.

I wish we'd had more time together. More, I wish your grandchildren had had more time with you. I wish you'd been there for your daughters for longer. I'm angry that you didn't take more care to be there for them longer. I'm angry that at 31 had to organize a funeral for you, and bring my four year old. My one year old wasn't old enough to come.

But you loved us, and you enjoyed much of your life. You made friends, and you tried some of everything.

It's so goddamn hard to figure out all of this.